HILA BARROW
I used to post some authentic joke (i.e. joke created solely myself) on my new-born-sized whiteboard (because I don’t know what else to put on it). The Hila Barrow will collect the most amusing ones. Enjoy.
MASTER: TO IMPROVE YOUR PRESENTATION, USE PIE CHARTS …
PEON: WHY?
MASTER: PIES ARE BETTER THAN
BARS (THE WORST PLACE),
LINEUPS (LEAST YOU WANT),
& PYRAMIDS (MUMMY’S HOUSE).
SO, GO YUMMY PIES!
(IN CAMARILLO COACH OUTLET)
BECKY: MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BOSS: I NEED SOME NEW HANDBAGS.
BECKY: CAN I HAVE ONE, TOO?
BOSS: NO, YOU’RE JUST 5, YOU DON’T NEED THEM YET.(BECKY TURNED TO PEON)
BECKY: DADDY, CAN I HAVE A BAG PLEASE?
PEON: WHY?
BECKY: I WANT TO BE MORE THAN 5.
AVANI: PEON, I NEED A CODE REVIEW. TEXT CHANGE FROM “DATA EXTRACTION LIMIT” TO “INTELLIGENT SKIP SCANNING.”
PEON: NOT “INTELLIGENT SCAN SKIPPING”?
AVANI: NO, IT’S FROM PM. ACTUALLY, WE SHOULD CALL IT “INTELLIGENT SCAN.”
PEON: NOT “INTELLIGENCE SCAN”?
AVANI: WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS?
PEON: BECOZ I’M TRYING TO HOST A DILBERT SHOW AND YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT JOKE BOARD NOT UPDATING.
(PEON WAS ADJUSTING WALL CLOCK)
BECKY: WHY ARE YOU PLAYING THE CLOCK?
PEON: I’M ADJUSTING IT. IT’S DAYLIGHT SAVING.
BECKY: CAN I PUT MR. GOLDEN SUN IN MY PIGGY, TOO?
LARVA: WHAT ARE THE BASIC WINDBG COMMANDS THAT I HAVE TO LEARN?
PEON: !RUNAWAY
LARVA: WHAT’S THAT?
PEON: RUN AWAY FROM YOUR TROUBLE.
LARVA: .DUMP PEON
PEON: THANKS FOR NOT GENERATING A FULL DUMP.
SOMEONE: DID YOU KNOW ANY PSYCHICS?
PEON: YES, I KNOW ONE VERY GOOD IN TAIPEI.
SOMEONE: HOW GOOD?
PEON: HE TOLD ME THAT I’LL BE SURROUNDED BY PRETTY LADIES FOR MY LIFE.
SOMEONE: WOW! IS THAT REAL?
PEON: YES. ALTHO HE DELIBERATELY IGNORED THE DIAPER CHANGING PART.
PEON’S REAL ESTATE RESEARCH 2 TERMINOLOGY SYNONYM GREAT POTENTIAL FIXER TLC (TENDER LOVING CARE) TLC (TOTALLY LOOSEN CRAP) BRING YOUR CONTRACTOR SO IT CAN BE DEMO’ED AT YOUR COST LOVELY TINY, PRETTY TINY ADORABLE SMALLER THAN LOVELY PLENTY OF UPGRADES SLIM MARGIN OF PRICE NEGOTIATION
GEEKMASTER: SHOW ME YOU’RE GEEK
PEON: HAPPY UTC1234567890
GEEKMASTER: HOWDY! GEEK(UTC 1234567890 = Sat Feb 14 07:31:30 CST 2009)
TOP 10 WORDS KIDS LEARN
1. NO
2. NO (HIGHER PITCH)
3. NO (HIGHEST PITCH)
4. MOMMY
5. MINE (MY TURN)
6. MORE
7. GET UP (TYPICALLY AT 6AM)
8. CHOCOLATE
9. DORA
10. BOOTS (THE MONKEY NEXT TO DORA)
SOMEONE: HEY PEON, WHY I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR JOKE?
PEON: THAT’S OK. IF YOU DON’T, YOU SHALL BE HAPPY.
SOMEONE: ?? WHAT IF I DO?
PEON: YOU’LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY.
SOMEONE: WHAT IF I UNDERSTAND SOME PARTS OF THE JOKES?
PEON: THEN YOU’RE RIGHT IN THE HAPPY RECURSION.
PEON’S REAL ESTATE RESEARCH
TERMINOLOGY SYNONYM COZY SMALL, HELL SMALL NOT BANK REPO DEFAULT SOON MOTIVATED SELLER DESPERATE SELLER SOLD AS-IS CRAPTASTIC PRICED TO SELL YIELD TO TOUGH NEGOTIATOR ONLY MARKET REVIVIING I’M LYING. FNM & FRE KEEP DROPPING MOVE-IN/TURN-KEY =PRICED TO SELL HASSLE FREE RIDICULOUS FEE VINTAGE LOOK FREAKING OLD LOCATION x3 EXPENSIVE ADJ TO BEV HILLS PALMS!
SOMEONE: WHY DON’T YOU START COMEDY BIZ?
PEON: I’VE TRIED WHEN WRITERS WERE ON STRIKE.
SOMEONE: SO WHAT DID THEY SAY?
PEON: “ALBEIT THE PRESENTATION PROVIDES CERTAIN AMUSEMENT, WE COULDN’T SEE GREAT BIZ VALUES CONTEXT-WISE.”
SOMEONE: OKAY. COULD YOU TRANSLATE THE MARTIAN FOR ME?
PEON: THEY SAID: THE SPELLING & GRAMMAR ERRORS ARE FUNNY, BUT NOT THE JOKES BECOZ THEY LACK SEX, VIOLENCE, AND HOLLYWOOD GOSSIPS.
(Peon attending parenting class)
SPEAKER: TWO RULES FOR DEALING WITH KIDS
1. MAKE AN OFFER THEY CAN’T RESIST
2. GIVE A LESSON THEY CAN’T FORGET(COMPLETE SILENCE)
PEON: EX … EXCUSE ME, SIR. YOUR NAME AGAIN?
SPEAKER: MICHAEL.
MICHAEL CORLEONE.
(Peon interviewing Mr. M)
PEON: WHAT IS A MACRO?
MR.M: I DON’T HAVE THE BRIGHTEST IDEA
PEON: WHAT IS POLYMORPHISM?
MR.M: LEMME THINK … OH I’M DRAWING ALL BLANK HERE …
PEON: ALRIGHT, WHAT IS VIRTUAL FUNCTION?
MR.M: VIRTUAL FUNCTION IS, UM, YOU KNOW, WE CAN’T MEMORIZE EVERYTHING ON TEXT BOOK RIGHT?BOSS: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS GUY?
PEON: HE’S VERY CREATIVE SAYING “I DON’T KNOW”
BOSS: OMG YOU ARE USING POSITIVE WORDS! ARE YOU OK?
PEON: …
SHAMAN: HOW MAY I HELP YOU TODAY?
PEON: I HAVE AN ICHY NOSE AND THROAT.
SHAMAN: WHEN DID IT START?
PEON: SINCE I MOVED FROM SANTA BARBARA.
SHAMAN: WELCOME TO L.A.! DON’T WORRY, YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED AND THE ICHINESS WILL GO AWAY.
PEON: YOU MEAN, RESISTENCE IS FUTILE?
SHAMAN: INDEED.
PEON B: HOW’S GOING?
PEON A: GOOD. SLEEP LIKE A BABY EVERY NIGHT.
PEON B: OK, WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?
PEON A: WAKE UP EVERY 2~3 HRS.
